Confessions of a First Time Film Director Part 1

Next month, I will make my first short film WONDERLAND for our production company Tartan Spartan Films.

At the moment, everything is new to me.  My past experience as a theatre director has not prepared me for this brand new experience of directing film and all that comes with it.

As an acting coach, I am confident casting and directing actors, but directing film has many unknowns for me, and the realisation that there are things that I don’t know that I don’t know, creates a sense of fear in me.

My levels of awareness when it comes to directing film are relatively low. This creates a wobbly confidence in myself and perhaps a lack of self trust and that engenders fear.  What could I have to be afraid of? Real fears? Tangible dangers? None. There are no wild beasts roaming the streets of Glasgow to eat me.

I am instead under the spell of imaginary phantoms, the ghastly ‘What Ifs’. There are several types of ghoulish fear that attempts to take possession of me.

Inner Game coaching practitioners have identified 3 imaginary fears: ‘Falling, Failing or Flying”:

FEAR OF FALLING: 

As Irvine writes in A Guide to the Good Life, the Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, we imagine the “silent pity” or “open mocking” of others.  One can easily imagine doing a poor job and looking like a fool in front of the actors, the crew, the creatives, or disappoint the funders, or my teachers, or my friends, or my enemies, or my parents, or my… or my… cue hyperventilation.

FEAR OF FAILING: 

The fear of being no damn good. The fear of discovering that we cannot do the thing we most want to be good at. What if I can’t do it, what if under the pressure of a 3-day shoot that I can’t deliver, I am the centre of the film, what if, what if, what if…

FEAR OF FLYING:

This fear is best summed up in the words of Marianne Williamson (or Coach Carter or Nelson Mandela) “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”  We fear being good, really really good, and where that could lead and what that would mean, because that’s one of the greatest unknowns of all.

But I will NOT be undone by these imaginary phantoms. I know they are imaginary. I know they come from the little voice in my head that wants to protect me from falling, failure and flying. It imagines all these scenarios to protect me from failure. But I don’t need him. His desire to protect me from failure will in fact protect me from success. So, in fact, fuck him. 

FUCK THE FEAR OF FALLING: 

The opinions of others are beyond my control. Other people’s thoughts and feelings about my performance are beyond my control. Risk averse people would rather avoid success than what they perceive as the humiliation of public shame.  I am not making this film for acceptance. I am not seeking other people’s approval. I am making this film because I want to tell a story that is important to me, to direct my first screenplay. Other people’s acceptance and admiration is not something that will help me with that. I shall not seek other’s approval or admiration.

FUCK THE FEAR OF FAILING: 

To my mind, the outcome of every situation is: succeed or learn. If I do not make a success, I will learn from it. It may be a painful lesson, but it will be one that I thoroughly learn. Fear of failure will not help me to avoid failure. I shall live by Beckett’s saying: “Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail Better.”  We are also putting together a phenomenal team to support my first time experience and I will not be afraid to ask for help. Take a look at the lesson of yesterday’s blog. Is the film’s success or failure within my control? I cannot control the response to the film. I can only control my actions and my interactions with my cast, crew and fellow creatives. It is somewhat in my control. My goal for this film then is to learn as much about film making as possible, to learn to understand other’s roles in its production, to help them enjoy making this film and to raise my levels of awareness throughout the experience.

FUCK THE FEAR OF FLYING:

Marianne Williamson continues: We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? …. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do … It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I may be a first time film director, but that certainly doesn’t mean that I will fail to enjoy it for being in the grip of fear and its imaginary phantoms. We’ve already raised over 134% of the finance for the film, there’s something to take confidence in.